


Neil vs. The Homosapiens Agenda

by strawberryproblems



Category: All For The Game - Nora Sakavic
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Blackmail, Inspired by Love Simon, M/M, Meet-Cute, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Seth Gordon Lives, Simon vs AU, So be warned, Sort Of, aftg warnings still apply, but will get as bad as canon, casual use of slurs, it starts out easy, neil chooses renee over andrew for protection, wonky timeline
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-03-02
Updated: 2019-07-07
Packaged: 2019-11-08 07:50:59
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 6
Words: 14,175
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17977310
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/strawberryproblems/pseuds/strawberryproblems
Summary: Neil is sitting in the metal folding chairs in the locker room a week after the Ferdinand interview, and 3 days after his uncle reconnected with him secretly. It was a rather short phone call that can be summed up as “be careful” and “wait for my signal”, when an unknown number texts him “I read your email.”Stupidly, Neil looks up as if he can see who has figured out his number. He sits there hoping that maybe it’s Nicky or one of the upperclassmen texting from a new number, and not Stuart changing his mind and taking him back to the UK. Neil hesitantly responds with only a single question mark.The response is almost immediate, “next time don’t use an unsafe computer to log in, but there won’t be a next time, will there, Nathaniel?”His heart stings with fear, as if the blood turned to ice in an instant, and an anxious buzz of electrical energy burns in Neil’s now bouncing legs, begging to run._________a Simon Vs. The Homosapeins Agenda AU





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> this is different than both books obviously. it still takes place in college, just a little after the interview, Neil is less likely to run because he has his uncle sort of at his back. he and Andrew play their truths game through the emails rather than only in person.  
> Kathy happens sooner than in the books and Seth is still alive.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I found someone to help me edit ad they are amazing, so I changed some things, you ca reread or not, up to you.

It's a weirdly subtle conversation. He almost doesn't notice he’s being blackmailed. But of course, he does.

 

Neil is sitting in the metal folding chairs in the locker room a week after the Ferdinand interview, and three days after his uncle reconnected with him secretly. He reflects on the rather short phone call that could be summed up with “be careful” and “wait for my signal”, when an unknown number texts him, “I read your email.”

 

Stupidly, Neil looks up, as if he could see who has figured out his number. He sits there, hoping that maybe it’s Nicky or one of the upperclassmen texting from a new number, and not Stuart changing his mind and taking him back to the UK. Neil hesitantly responds with only a single question mark.

 

The response is almost immediate: “Next time, don’t use an unsafe computer to log in. But there won’t be a next time, will there, Nathaniel?”

 

His heart stings with fear, as if the blood has turned to ice in an instant, and an anxious buzz of electrical energy burns in his now bouncing legs, begging to run.

 

 _Okay,_ Neil thinks to himself, _What if it’s one of my father’s men? How much do they know? They could be outside right now_ _. I shouldn’t have gotten so attached. I’ve been here too long. If I only **listened** \- _

 

Neil’s mind runs through every potential escape route before thoughts of Stuart bring him to a halt. He has to wait.

 

He thinks of every computer he has used since creating his newest fake email, trying to pinpoint his mistake. He can’t afford to be this reckless.  

School library, school library, city library, school library, Kevin's laptop...

      _Fuck_.

 

So now he knows Kevin’s computer is being monitored, or at least hacked, and has quite the hunch by who.

Neil is dumbfounded, staring at the screen, debating whether or not to respond.

 

“Interesting alias. Rookie mistake to use your middle name.”

 

_Is he seriously trying to make conversation right now? Or is he trying to sound threatening? How bored are you?_

 

The point of a fake name was to keep people like Riko Moriyama from knowing his secret identity, but these messages mean too much to lie, a strip of truth amongst many avoided topics. His mom would already be hitting him by now, not even bothering to scream, but using that cold, even voice she used whenever he messed up, followed by her nails digging into-

But she is gone now. Neil takes a deep breath. _I’m sorry…_   

 

His phone pings again. “It might interest you that Jean is gay, as well as a few others.”

 

 _Um, no, it actually doesn’t??_ Neil muffles a scream. This has to be the most awkward blackmail exchange ever. He’s not even gay. He’s just… nothing.

 

Neil types out a sarcastic “no?” before sending it off, hoping this will be over with as soon as possible.

 

 _Ping_. Another reply. “It's pretty obvious you don't want people to know. That, and who you really are.”

 

Neil has told the team several times he doesn't swing; that doesn't bother him at all. But Riko has no idea what he really stepped into, how much it matters to him that no one knows his real name. He wishes he wasn’t scared, but he is, deeply. In fact, he’s pretty fucking terrified right about now.

 

It probably wouldn't be the end of the world, just the end of himself, or Neil Josten, that's for sure. And Ode? Neil doesn’t know what this could mean for Ode.

 

The thing about Ode is that he is kind of a private person. The kind of person who is so on edge that he wouldn't borrow a potentially bugged computer. But fuck, so is Neil. Usually. Ode is also the kind of person who might never forgive Neil for being so totally careless.

 

And Neil doesn't know what that means for them. He doesn't know why he is so scared about what that could mean for them, and the fact that he is scared only scares him more. _I seriously can't believe I'm having this conversation with Riko Moriyama, of all the people to hack me._  

 

Neil never would have used a potentially traceable device, except he threw out his arms against Andrew the night before and wasn't allowed into practice the next day, and was too sore to walk to the library. And it was one of those days where he couldn't wait till he could move to check his email, and Kevin’s open laptop was right there, unlocked and everything. He just couldn't wait.

 

Because Neil had written Ode from his secret account that morning, and it was sort of an important email.

 

And he really wanted to know what he had written back.

 

 _Ping._  “Don’t worry, I'm not going to show anyone.”

 

Neil knows this is wrong; why else would he go out of his way to bring it up? But then it hits him, that one word: _"show"_. Meaning, he has files; he has proof. He _knows_.

 

The message makes Neil’s stomach clench.

 

 _Ping_. “I know you live with Gordon.”

 

 _Seth?_ Neil thinks, _my roommate??_

 

But then it clicks. Seth is by far the weakest link of the team. If he started to crash and burn, no one would think anything of it. After all, he's a fox through and through.

 

 _Ping_. “Just make sure he stays weak. Do little things, the things I tell you to do.”

 

Neil figured that Riko was harmless; he is just the second son and all. There was a time when Neil was jealous of his Exy skill, his freedom. Sure, he was kind of arrogant, but he was one of the best strikers in the league, even made jokes with the press sometimes.

 

But Neil isn’t laughing now.

 

With sweaty hands, Neil types back, “And what if I don’t?”

 

He knows it can’t be good, but he wants to know how far Riko will go.

 

 _Ping_. “Then the internet will learn a new side of you.”

 

That isn’t so bad, except LiveJournal makes keeping secrets a little harder, and his father’s assistant Lola might have learned a trick or two on how to track him down. A whole state could know his face in a day, as well as his secrets, and he can’t forget how he was just on live TV and-

 

Neil realizes he can’t breathe.

   He needs to breathe,

**He**

**Can’t**

**Breathe.**  

 

With shaking hands, he digs his nails into his neck and arms to ground himself, an old unhealthy coping mechanism.

 

 _Ping_. “Who is Ode?”

 

 _Oh, Riko,_ Neil thinks, _you just let me know that you're not as powerful as you think you are._  

He responds, “I don't even know. I think he lives in California.” Neil says the first state he can think of, to throw Riko off his trail. If Riko thinks Neil is selling out Ode while he's at it, he’s fucking crazy.

 

Ode doesn't live in California; he lives in Palmetto, and he goes to PSU. Ode isn't even his real name.

 

He's someone. He may even be someone Neil knows. But Neil doesn't know who, and he isn't even sure if he wants to know.

 

Neil suddenly realizes he's not in the mood to go back to the dorms, but he has been in the locker room far too long to be picking up a pair of running shoes. He calculates to himself how long he has until he needs to eat. No doubt Matt and the other upperclassmen will invite him to go to the dining hall together. He has about an hour from now, once everyone is out of their last class and before it gets too late. An hour to spin a story on why he looks anxious in case they can read his face. He has an hour to think of small, socially acceptable comments to input without saying too much or making himself too noticeable or significant. Who knew being on the run for your whole life and constantly lying to everyone you ever meet could be so exhausting.

 

It's funny, though. Neil used to hate the chatter and chaos during dinner. He wasn't used to loud happiness, and sitting there would make him sad, seeing something he could never experience. But now that Neil was used to the company, it makes him sad in a different way. One where he is mourning the death of these moments before they even pass, because he knows he can’t have this forever.

 

Neil tries to lose himself in the beat of his shoes against the pavement. He listens to the sounds of his breath as his mind can't stop thinking about Ode and Riko Moriyama and the anything-but-holy awfulness that is his life.

 

So Riko is after Kevin; that much was obvious even before the weird text threats. So all Neil can assume is that he will be texted further instructions on how to “dismantle” the team. _Probably insult Seth publicly or something stupid_ , Neil thinks. Which doesn't seem like a huge deal because Seth can be a huge asshole anyway, and Neil thought about doing that even before the whole “blackmail” thing. So all in all, it isn't really a huge deal if he thinks about it that way.

 

Except for the fact that Riko is blackmailing him. And by extension, blackmailing Ode. That's the part that makes him really want to kick something, or worse, run.

 

But the not-so-permanent run back helps. The fresh air helps. In fact, the air has that crisp, early fall feeling, and some people are already placing tiny pumpkins in dorm windows. Neil has always loved that, even when he was a kid.

 

He cuts around the back entrance of the dorm so he can go up the more secluded stairwell. When he walks in, there is a new TV facing the door, where some new war game is being played by Matt and Seth. The two of them have taken over the couch, looking like they haven't moved in hours.

 

Matt pauses the game when Neil walks in. That's something about Matt—he almost always will stop whatever he is doing to greet someone. Or maybe just Neil.

 

“Sup, loser?” Seth yells from the couch. Within seconds, Neil unconsciously relaxes. He can hear the girls down the hall headed to their room. Dan enters first, ruffling Neil’s hair before she goes straight to Matt, as Allison raids the fridge and Renee silently slips in.

 

The almost rehearsed flow makes Neil crack a smile, _This is good, things are normal_. He ignores his mother's ghost holding onto him, shaking off his leftover anxiety with familiarity.

 

“I can’t wait for Tony Hawk's American Wasteland to come out, only about 9 more days,” Matt says.

 

“Haha, nerd,” says Dan, who is hugging him from behind, so it comes out a bit muffled.

 

There is no part of Neil that cares about fictional assassins or virtual skateboarding, but he needed this. Not necessarily the violence of video games, but the familiarity of how everyone knows how to move around everyone else in this small space. This tiny dorm that smells like socks or whatever someone microwaved last and all of their detergents mixed together. It’s a lot, but it’s familiar and comforting. It is such a perfectly aimless early-October evening, it feels unreal.

 

Sometimes Neil has these deep happy feelings, like he’s kind of weightless and stupid but everything is still funny. When the upperclassmen all fit together, living in these perfect moments of safety where Neil doesn't feel like he has to check to see if he has a gun to his back. Riko doesn’t exist in this kind of moment. Secrets don't exist. And it's perfect.

 

Allison rips up a paper straw wrapper with her sharp French nails. The girls all have drinks from Chick-Fil-A. The last time Neil went to a Chick-Fil-A was over a year ago, since Millport was too small to have one. He thinks he remembers getting water and the cheapest thing on the menu so he could use the bathroom, ignoring the dirty looks thrown his way for looking like a sketchy teenager.

 

Renee takes a swig of her drink and yawns drowsily. Allison immediately tries to launch a little paper ball into her open mouth, but Renee clamps her mouth shut, blocking it. They smile at each other and Allison lets out a sharp laugh. Renee has caught the paper and flicks it back; it only bounces at the corner of Allison’s mouth, but was pretty close. This, of course, makes Allison laugh harder.

 

They all end up settled around or on the couch. Allison, who is leaning on the arm next to Seth, is talking about dreams and her GE psych class.

 

“I had this weird dream, where I was in the bathroom putting in contacts, and I couldn't figure out which lens went in which eye.”

 

“That's the most boring dream ever,” Dan says from her spot on the floor.

 

A moment later, Seth states, “Yeah babe, you don't even wear contacts, I do,” without even looking away from the videogame Matt abandoned.

 

“Well, I think my unconscious is trying to tell me something.” Allison can be pretty single-minded when she has her nails dug into something. “Obviously the theme of the dream is vision. What am I not seeing? What are my blind spots?”

 

“Your music collection,”  Seth suggests.

 

Allison playfully shoves his arm, letting Neil know that they are in a good patch right now. For some reason, Neil finds himself looking at Renee. She still has her usual serene smile on, the one that always looks a little distant.

 

Allison scratches Seth’s shaved head as she continues talking. “Did you know that Freud interpreted his own dreams when he was developing his theory? And he believed that all dreams are a form of unconscious wish fulfillment?”

 

Seth hums. Neil doesn't know him well, but he knows as well as everybody else in the room that Allison has this charm about her. It doesn't matter that she’s quite possibly talking complete bullshit, because Allison is kind of irresistible when she is in one of her philosophical moods.

 

Of course, Neil has a strict policy for not falling for anybody. At least he never stayed in one place long enough to do so, but he does have eyes and can tell that she is easily one of the most attractive people he's met. He remembers the first time he saw her; he was nauseous with guilt, remembering how his first kisses were never worth it. But Seth has fallen, and Neil has a hunch he's not the only one who has.

 

Without meaning to, Neil brings up Kevin and night practice, to clear his mind, and Seth’s mood instantly sours.

 

“Why do you have to bring up that asshole?” Seth complains.

 

“Why do you hate him so much?” Matt responds.

 

“Oh, he's the _best_. I mean, he's a star Exy player. Freaking. Number. Two. And he's so _handsome_  and _famous_. Doesn't that make him _so_. _Amazing_?”

 

No one has mastered the art of deadpan delivery like Seth.

 

Allison goes back to massaging Seth’s head to calm him down. A look passes across their faces. Renee looks away.

 

Neil thinks of all the ways that being Riko’s bitch could have benefits. Maybe if Seth falls off the deep end, this whole on-and-off relationship will stop, and this awkward energy between Allison, Renee, and Seth will just go away.

 

It doesn't have to be just about Neil and his secrets. It could become hardly about Neil at all.


	2. Chapter 2

FROM: facetoface.citytocity@hotmail.com

TO: blackdeer114@yahoo.com

DATE: Yesterday, at 12:06 AM

SUBJECT: Re: when you knew

That's an interesting story, Ode. I mean, I feel like childhood is like this endless horror show. Well, maybe not endless, because it did end and I wouldn't quite say the coast is clear. But no matter what, the younger years really burn into your memory. I wonder if it matters who you are, or if the world just decided to choose us. Well, not the world, but the people that are in it.

Have you seen him since you got out of juvie?

I don't even know when I figured it out, it's harder to notice the absence of something rather than an unexpected addition. I think it was a bunch of little things. Like the fact that I didn't have weird dreams like everybody else. Or even look at others that way.

And then in middle school, around eighth grade, I had my first kiss. It was one of those quick pecks on the mouth, I think she made my lip hit my teeth and bleed a little, which is probably how my mom found out. We were in Canada at the time, and her friend told me I needed to go out and find her, and as soon as she kissed me I ran.

So, I hid in the bathroom. With the stall door closed and crouched up on the toilet so my legs wouldn't show. I ended up freaking out as if she was after me. I stayed there for the rest of the school day.

Also it was Valentine’s Day, so I guess that was the girl’s way of telling me she liked me. I moved shortly after, obviously, because my mom knew immediately. I should have known better at that point, but I've been kissed by two other girls since then, some more enthusiastic than others. I haven't kissed guys but only because none have really asked but I think it would feel the same as the girls, mostly just wet.

Unrelated but this is the longest email I've ever written, I mean I’m hardly on social media and didn’t have a phone for a year once. Anyway, I think I'll sign off here. Not going to lie. It's been kind of a weird day.

\- Abram

 

 

FROM: blackdeer114@hotmail.com

TO: facetoface.citytocity@yahoo.com

DATE: Yesterday, at 8:46 PM

SUBJECT: Re: when you knew

 

Not going to lie? What an honor coming from you. I don't email a lot either, or respond to people in general.

It would be incredibly boring if your proudest moment happened in middle school. Middle school was when I moved around the least, I was at one home that lasted the longest. I even thought I was going to stay there for good. I didn't, of course, and juvie became the place I’ve lived in longest since then. Now I get to choose where I stay, mostly.

I remember how when I was younger I used to try to talk to other kids, but they would always look at me blankly and say “um, okaaay,” after I finished talking. I remember thinking that it was immature of them, until an adult did the exact same thing to me when I was trying to tell them something important. Everyone in life just has to make it clear that, whatever you are thinking, feeling, or experiencing, you are totally alone. No one will help you; everyone has to fend for themselves.

I moved around a lot too and never really wanted to waste my time trying to make friendships over and over again.

To answer your question, I haven't seen him since juvie, but I heard he got married and his wife is pregnant. I wonder how long that will last.

Odd how I triggered his sexual identity crisis and he chose to ignore it. Probably hates me now because of it. But I doubt he still thinks of me much beyond that.

Here's my question: what happened when your mom found out?

\- Ode

 

 

FROM: facetoface.citytocity@yahoo.com

TO: blackdeer114@hotmail.com

DATE: Today, at 11:15 PM

SUBJECT: Re: when you knew

 

Ode, yeah I remember the “okaay,” even if I just flinched when someone scared me, or if they asked how I got a bruise and said some random story. Always accompanied by arched eyebrows and mouth twisted into a condescending little asshole. I never understood why people asked questions they didn’t really want the answers too. I probably said it too, in order to blend in, I never really thought about how it would make the other person feel. I guess I’m just selfish.

The mom thing is hard to explain, she was just trying to protect me. We moved around a lot and she didn't want me getting too attached. And two times they just sort of… kissed me. Once, I started it, so that was my fault, but she seemed really excited about it.

I didn't care much, I just didn't feel anything you are supposed to feel. So it never felt worth it when my mom inevitably got angry.

I was just curious, I didn't think of the consequences. It was really complicated, it still is.

\- Abram

 

 

FROM: blackdeer114@hotmail.com

TO: facetoface.citytocity@yahoo.com

DATE: Today, at 8:01 PM

SUBJECT: i’m taking a turn

 

Did she hit you, yes or no?

 

 

FROM: facetoface.citytocity@yahoo.com

TO: blackdeer114@hotmail.com

DATE: Today, at 10:05 PM

SUBJECT: Re: i’m taking a turn

 

yes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry, I realized I made a mistake and Gmail didn't exist yet, I am a fool, so I changed it!!


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so I changed it to LiveJournal because it is a forum website and the format just makes sense. you can be basically anonymous on there but myspace doesn't let you do that. LiveJournal also existed in 2005 and was as decently popular as it is now, which is to say, mildly niche but not really??  
> (it's actually set up in a way that makes a lot of sense especially for this plot)  
> also, I changed it so Riko DOES know Neil, but doesn't have the power to do anything himself, so instead is threatening to contact Neil's family so they could kill him. the steaks weren't high enough for what will end up happening for it to be worth it or forgivable.  
> sorry about all typos and inconsistencies, this is my first multi-chapter fic and I might have bee a little ambitious but whatever.
> 
> have specific triggers? talk to me on Tumblr @i-did, which is my side blog for aftg, my main blog is strawberry-problems!
> 
> enjoy the thickest chapter yet

One of the shittiest things about the Riko situation is that Neil can’t bring it up with Ode. He’sused to keeping secrets from everyone, but not him.

  
There are a lot of things Ode and Abram don’t tell each other. They fell into conversations about all the big things, but always avoided any identifying details--names of friends or classes. It is a mutually beneficial unspoken agreement, never directly stated, as if knowing the name of the person who holds all your secrets makes them more real, more threatening.

  
If Ode became a “real” sophomore at PSU with a name and a face, Neil would never tell him anything. He is a real person, but he is also safer inside a laptop or behind a computer screen. If Ode knew what Neil was thinking, he would tell him that he has problems or to go to therapy like a normal person.

  
It was actually Neil who contacted Ode first; if it had been the other way around, nothing would have happened. It was also on LiveJournal, of all places. It was August, right when summer practice had ended and school really started to set in. The PalmettoPeers community was created to be a safe space where PSU students can anonymously vent their secrets or random thoughts, or even warn about sketchy sightings. People can comment to add additional information and occasionally judge you. It’s all kind of devolved into this sinkhole of gossip and bad poetry and misspelled bible quotes, but it’s addictive either way.

  
Neil typically doesn’t bother with these things, but he had wanted to know if he had ended up on the potential “threat” chain (that was usually full of blatant racism) when he fell into the rabbit hole of seeing what the average person considered a secret. Neil was amazed by the mundane he could never hope to have.

  
That's where he found Ode’s post, embedded in all the anonymous threads of other’s “secrets.” When he found Ode’s post, it just kind of spoke to him, about the exhausting loneliness of moving around and losing a little bit more of yourself after every place. As if instead of gaining memories, the two of them had broken off pieces of who they once were. And amongst the grammatically correct and strangely poetic recount of an unstable child, there lay a personal struggle with sexuality that spoke to Neil as well, just more in the way of unknown territory. It was real in a way none of the others were, and Neil couldn’t find it in himself to keep scrolling, it was like Ode had pulled the memories of nameless faces right out of Neil’s head.

  
Like the way you force yourself to memorize someone's gestures but can never know their thoughts or intentions. And the feeling that people are like houses with vast rooms and tiny windows.

The way you feel so exposed anyway.

  
The way that others had made Ode feel so hidden and so exposed about the fact that he is gay.

  
The same way Neil feels like he is always on the edge of being recognized, the second before the person’s face shifts and their mouths spell out a silent “oh…”

  
Most of the time, the moment doesn’t come, but when it does, it feels as if the acid in his stomach has turned to sleet, like he is dying of hypothermia from the inside.

  
Neil felt panicked and self-conscious when he read that part, like his body was trying to do a reenactment of what he just read. But there was also this quiet thrum of excitement, the beautiful knowledge of not being alone and the indescribable being described.

  
And Neil just had to know him, had to feel less alone.

  
Eventually, Neil worked up the courage to write the only comment that he could think of, which was, “I’m tired too,” along with a freshly made email address.

  
Neil spent the next week obsessing about whether or not the person who made the post would contact him back. And then he did. Later, Ode told him that he wasn’t expecting any comments. Neil realized very quickly that Ode was very careful about everything. He wasn’t nervous or timid, but rather everything he has ever done had always been done with full awareness of every consequence. Neil knows that f Ode finds out that Riko Moriyama has his eye on Neil, Ode will react in the most logical way.

  
Meaning, he’ll stop emailing and all communication will be cut off. And Neil will be alone again.

  
Neil remembers exactly how it felt to see that first message from Ode in his inbox. It was a little bit surreal, to be breaking so many rules like that. But Ode wanted to know about him. Neil could feel Ode testing him, too, to see if it was really worth his time and slim trust. But Neil seemed to pass, and although they talked about their not-even-remotely-normal lives, Neil felt the most normal he ever has, and he wasn’t even lying. Like he was in a teen movie or something, while his whole life he had practiced being an extra.

  
It's strange, but Neil never thought of himself as someone who could be interesting without people wanting to kill him—or worse, give him pity. So Neil can’t tell him about Riko, can’t risk losing the only relationship to a person he has ever had that has been remotely honest and safe. He’d rather not lose him.

 

So Neil has been avoiding thinking about Riko, avoiding the messages as much as he can. He knows it’s cowardly, but it feels like all he can do if he can’t run. The whole thing makes him feel so stupid. He feels even more watched than before, which truly is saying something. Neil sort of hates himself for caving to Riko’s blackmail like some kind of amateur.

  
Neil finds himself distracted when he eats dinner with the upperclassmen. Allison is extra excited tonight because it’s _Bachelorette_ night. Which Neil had somehow gotten himself mixed into watching with them. They all watched the show yesterday, but tonight everyone talks about it. All the upperclassmen and Neil’s class schedules lined up and it somehow became a tradition. Neil could not be more aware of how ridiculous it was for him, the son of a serial killer and mob-boss, to sit amongst people his age engaging in media he never had access to but always pretended he did.

  
“And how are your classes, Neil?” Renee asks, mouth twitching around her straw, attempting her pleasant small talk. Neil hates that it always sets him on edge.

  
“Fine,” he simply responds. He can tell she knows that he is uncomfortable around her, and it only sets him on edge even more.

  
Neil doesn’t know how to be “himself” around her, as in the bland shell of Josten. It always feels like Renee can see right through every lie he throws on to protect himself, like she can see every scar no matter how many layers he wears. He wonders whether if she looked deep enough, she would see him hiding Ode’s secrets among his own deep in his chest.

  
Renee is unjudging, but she is also religious. Neil wonders about the details of her beliefs—if she genuinely does believe in unconditional love, or if she is more the quiet judgemental type. Things like homophobia never really occurred to Neil until he “met” Ode. They live in the south after all, and although Columbia is not far, a person on Neil’s team was still savagely attacked for being gay right outside of a nightclub. And the college campus isn't exactly a progressive paradise; Neil only knows of one person who is out, and he has to deal with Seth and others giving him crap about it all the time. Not violent like the nightclub incident, but the word “fag” isn’t exactly uncommon. Neil never thought about it much before. A few times, he would be called gay when he didn't want to date a girl, but he just didn’t want to date anyone. He couldn’t.

  
As they gather, Neil hears the girls gathering more snacks and drinks.

  
“Okay, we have Pepsi, some BBQ chips—no wait, they’re stale. Oh my god, Matt, is that a rose?”

  
Matt is holding a red rose and smiling like he just can't help himself. Neil is always surprised about how excited the upperclassmen get when it comes to _The Bachelorette_.

  
“So Michael D. claims to have used the fantasy suite for talking,” Matt states. “Do we believe that?”

  
“Not for a minute, babe,” Dan replies.

  
“They always say that,” says Allison. She cocks her head, and Neil can’t help but be reminded of how effortlessly beautiful she is.

  
“I mean, it's the fantasy suite,” she continues. “They totally did it. I'm pretty sure the fantasy suite doesn't involve talking.”

  
“But that doesn't necessarily mean intercourse.”

  
“Oh, Renee, always there to give the benefit of the doubt.”

  
Neil sits quietly. He and Seth are the only ones who rarely participate, mostly here for the company, or in Seth’s case, Allison.

  
“How about Daniel F.?” Renee asks, tucking a lock of hair behind her ear. Neil seriously can’t read her.

  
“Okay, Daniel F.’s the hottest one,” says Allison. Allison often used the term “eye candy” when talking about these people.

  
“Are you kidding me? The gay one?” Seth says, clearly agitated by Allison’s lack of attention.

  
“Daniel’s not gay,” Allison objects.

  
“Babe, he is a one-man pride parade. An eternal flame.”

  
Neil’s whole body tenses. Renee once said she would rather have people call her fat directly than have to sit there and listen to them talking shit about some other plus-size girl’s weight. He actually thinks he can agree with that. Nothing is worse than the secret humiliation of being insulted by proxy.

  
“Dude, stop,” says Matt.

  
And so Seth, who has been sipping beer the whole night, starts humming that song called “Eternal Flame” by The Bangles. Neil remembers hearing it loop over and over on a long car ride, the cassette stuck in the tape player of the car his mom stole.

  
Neil can never tell if Seth says that kind of stuff because he means it, or if it's just because he likes to start fights and get under people’s skin. Neil notes to himself that it’s good to know how Seth feels about these things.Not that they are friends, but they still live together, even if he can’t ever bring Ode around, much less meet him in real life.

 

The other issue is practice. The foxes have this undeniable split down the middle: the upperclassmen and the monsters. Neil still hasn’t really found where he lies, gaining Andrew’s trust after the Kathy Ferdinand show, but gaining sympathy from Dan because of Eden’s. Neil has never had friends in his life, and he sure as fuck isn’t prepared to toe the line of two whole groups who wanted to spend time with him.

  
The monsters consist of Andrew, the unofficial leader who’s on court-mandated manic drugs; Kevin, someone Neil has to pray won’t recognize him from his childhood; Andrew’s twin Aaron, who is a mediocre backliner with a bad attitude; and Nicky, the openly gay guy who got beat up outside of the club, also a backliner. Nicky’s actually the twin's cousin, which is why Andrew is on the drugs, interestingly enough. Andrew almost killed the four men once he found Nicky, and the court found it excessive, along with his already sketchy past. He now has to stay on what seems to be clearly the wrong fit in medication that should regulate him out, but instead swings him into a heavy manic state. Neil finds him interesting but dangerous.

  
Then the upperclassmen consist of Dan, team captain of the foxes; Matt, her tall boyfriend and backliner; Allison, dangerously beautiful rich girl; Seth, Allison’s on-again-off-again boyfriend; and Renee, the “sweetheart” of the team.

  
So plus Neil makes ten. It's a dangerously small team that cannot afford injuries or missing players. So whatever Riko needs, Neil has to make sure it's never too bad, never too detrimental to the team. They haven't exactly laid out the terms of their blackmail arrangement, but from what Neil can tell, it goes something along the lines of Neil doing small things to ruin team chemistry and leading with Seth specifically. Everything was rather petty, but nonetheless, fucked.

  
Neil forces himself to act Normal. It’s not like he can say anything. Well, Neil could bring up Riko to Kevin to make him more uneasy, but Neil sort of wants to avoid him as much as possible. He sort of wants to avoid everyone right now, unable to stand the thought of being in a closed room.

  
But instead he takes a deep breath, turns on the treadmill, and starts to run.

 

The days keep ticking by and Neil still hasn’t handled it. He has sort of been retreating into the quiet kid he was at the very beginning of the year. He was sort of hoping the others wouldn't notice. Neil has been running his whole life, disappearing over and over. On Tuesday Matt's truck pulls into the parking lot of the fox tower and he hops out, but when Neil doesn't follow, he pokes his head back inside.

  
“Um, are you coming?”

  
“What? Yeah,” Neil responds.

  
“All right.” He pauses. “Are you okay?”

  
“I’m fine,” Neil lies.

  
Matt looks at Neil, like he would have been amused if he wasn't worried right now.

  
“I’m fine,” Neil lies again, a little more convincing this time.

  
“Okay,” he says, stepping back with his arms raised. He shuts the car door again, this time with a soft click, as if he were scared the sound would damage Neil further. He follows after, worried about how Matt is weirdly observant sometimes, but Neil never learned how to talk. He never really noticed how little of an ability he had to communicate with others without feeling awkward until his mom died. When he was just sitting there with his thoughts and he noticed that it would have been the same amount of talking if she was still alive.

  
As Neil drags his feet to practice, there is a tap on his shoulder, and he flinches hard. He’s started to expect Riko everywhere, almost as much as his father. It's just Andrew, cigarette in hand, laughing out the breath of smoke he was holding in his lungs. When he does that, he sort of looks like something that's not quite human, just a little too powerful and a little too menacing.

  
“Tick tock, little rabbit. What, are you finally avoiding the sport you hold so dearly?”

  
Neil wonders if it’s hard to smoke if he can’t stop smiling, how he probably has to force his face to relax before every inhale.

  
“No,” Neil responds in obvious defense.

  
Surprisingly, Andrew’s smile gets larger and he starts to hum a tune: “He lies and he lies and a little lie lie....”

  
Andrew flicks his still-burning cigarette at Neil and walks toward the entrance, and Neil finds himself unable to not follow.

  
Neil knows that Andrew can tell that something is wrong, but surprisingly he doesn't seem to care enough to push further. In a short amount of time, Neil has noticed small things about Andrew, like the way he taps his fingertips along the pad of his thumb when the dose first kicks in. He finds himself wondering if Andrew notices small things like that about Neil. It always scares Neil that he can never seem to guess what goes on inside Andrew’s head most of the time.

  
It actually reminds him of the thing Ode posted on LiveJournal.

 

Neil finds himself a little early for his GE theatre class, so he slips out of the side door of the auditorium and walks around the back of the school. His practice schedule is hell to work around, causing Neil to struggle to find something that would fit the extra gap to meet the minimum amount of required credits. Somehow Allison convinced him to take a theatre class instead of a LIT 60 or LIT 80. He assumed it would be easier, but quickly found out how wrong he was.

  
The air is surprisingly crisp for South Carolina, and it looks as if it rained around four hours ago. Neil always thought there were two kinds of weather: hoodie weather and weather where he wore a hoodie anyway. Neil is never caught dead wearing a short sleeve, fearing that it will slip up when he moves and show some of his scars, plus the smaller ones on his forearms and hands.

  
Suddenly, Neil doesn't feel so alone.

  
A college-age student wearing black and red approaches him. Neil has to keep himself from rolling his eyes at the dramatics.

  
“Do not try to avoid the king,” she threatens.

  
Interestingly, they're both wearing Chucks, his much more worn than her custom black and red ones. Neil realizes in this moment how much smaller he is than her; he can't decide if his feet look small or hers look huge. The raven has about 6 inches on him, and their shadows suddenly look ridiculous to Neil.

  
“Well then tell your _king_ to piss or get off the pot, I'm not psychic,” Neil says. He starts to make his way back to the auditorium. Riko, this kid Neil has known since he was a child. He used to want everything Riko had so badly. All the times Neil would sneak glances at his games and interviews, all those newspaper clippings. Now Neil is in the spotlight too, and it has been terrible.

  
Neil finds his hands shaking in the pockets he shoved them in. He's mad, so mad he worries he looks like his father and instinctively tugs on his hair.

  
In this moment Neil decides to save Riko’s name in his phone as “Rotzlöffel Missgebürt”, or bratty bastard.

  
Neil pushes through the door, his professor already herding people on stage. “All right. I need Fagin, Dodger, Oliver, and boys. Act One, Scene Six. Let’s go.”

  
“Neil!” Allison flings her arms around him and pokes him in the cheeks. “Never leave me again.”

  
“What did I miss?” Neil forces a smile.

  
“Nothing,” she says under her breath, “but I’m kind of in Marissa hell here.”

  
“The blondest circle of hell.”

  
Marissa Taylor, also known as the worst kind of perfect. Neil sometimes imagines her sitting in front of a mirror at night, counting the strokes as she brushes her hair. She seems like the kind of girl that would publicly ask someone how they did on the history quiz, not to be supportive, but to know the grade. Or try really hard to make friends with the new kid in high school to help her ASB campaign. Otherwise known as a huge threat to Neil.

  
“Okay, boys,” says Professor Albright. Neil assumes it’s a joke because he only sees three other guys amongst the girls. “Bear with me, because we are going to do some blocking.” She combs her bangs out of her eyes and tucks them behind her ear. Albright is really young for a Professor, and she has dyed electric red hair.

  
“Act One, Scene Six is the pickpocket scene, right?” asks Marissa. Neil can tell she only asks the question because she already knows the answer.

  
“Right,” Professor Albright says. “Take it away, Roland.”

  
Roland is the stage manager. Neil thinks he’s a grad student and might be the only TA in the class. He carries a double-spaced copy of the script clipped into a giant blue binder, exploding with pencil notes. Neil finds it sort of amusing how his job is basically to order them around and be stressed out, especially because he is one of the most easy-going people Neil has ever met. He’s got a voice that falls between soft and strained, as if he was born to speak quietly but he forces himself to be louder anyway. Roland also has a southern accent, which is really something uncommon at PSU.

  
Neil recognizes him from the one time he went to Eden’s Twilight, meaning he probably works part-time to help pay for school. Neil almost didn’t recognize him without the club lights reflecting across his dark skin, changing him from purples to blue to red.

  
“Right,” Albright says, “Dodger has just befriended Oliver, and he’s bringing him back to the hideout for the first time to meet Fagin and the boys. So. What’s your objective?”

  
“To show him who’s boss,” says someone. Rachel? Emily?

  
“Maybe to mess with him a little?” says another.

“You got it. He’s the new guy, and you’re not going to make it easy for him. He’s a nerd. You want to intimidate him and steal his shit.” That makes a couple of freshman laugh; the rest are used to it.

Albright and Roland put the students into position—Professor Albright calls it “setting the tableau.” The two of them want Neil lying down propped up by his elbows on a platform, tossing a little coin bag. When Dodger and Oliver enter, all of them are supposed to jump up and make a grab for Oliver’s satchel. Neil snatches it a little too professionally before he tosses it to another student, who turns it into a game of “keep away.”

Albright loves it.

Everyone laughs, their faces lit up by the auditorium lights that are right above the stage, making it hot and sticky. It starts to feel more like an interrogation or the headlights of a cop car. Everyone else seems bright-eyed and almost drunk on dopamine, almost everyone. Neil kind of hates himself for it, for revealing who he was for a few seconds even if it was as an extra. He also hates himself for never getting to be like them, and floats through the rest of the rehearsal.

  
Neil and Allison dangle their feet off the edge of one of the platforms, watching the others gather their stuff and leave the stage. The two of them have a weird gap between classes, and somehow fell into the routine of watching the others and leaving last.

  
Neil’s mind still races through the local bus schedule, taking note of how weirdly segregated almost all towns are, and how no one ever seems to talk about it. He can never guess which place he would blend into better, hoping that being ambiguous makes people see whatever they wanted, rather than making him stand out as “other.”

  
Allison yawns and leans back flat on the platform with one arm tucked behind her head. She is wearing one of those velvet sweat sets with a cropped jacket and the word “juicy” in cursive on the ass. She has gold bangles on one wrist and a gold watch on the other, matching her hoops. Neil is willing to bet that her whole outfit is worth more than the whole teams' exy gear.

  
_Ping_. Neil knows what he has to do before he even checks the message. Neil still finds himself disappointed to find out he’s right.

  
_Make her doubt him_.

  
Allison’s eyes are closed. She has the kind of mouth that always rests in a faint smile, the opposite of Seth’s scowl. And Neil, for a second, thinks he might almost get it, the whole attraction thing, before he remembers his phone, Riko’s message making it feel much heavier.

  
“Hey, Allison,” Neil says, voice sounding far too natural. She looks up at him. “Are you and Seth back together?”

  
“Haha, uh, yeah, Neil. Why?” She sounds unsure, but not untrusting, just confused.

  
Neil swallows.

  
“I don’t know? I guess I’m just checking in because things get rough with him being my roommate and all, plus it’s hard to tell with him sometimes, like, the way he acts, and if he’s changed… sorry, that didn’t—I don’t know what I’m talking about. Just—nevermind.”

  
He sort of hates how good he is at this. How he’s an extra on stage but has been acting his whole life. How he plays the part of a concerned friend who is secretly a parasite, going to slowly destroy their relationship and then Seth himself.

  
She squints her eyes a bit, searching his face, but she can’t quite figure out what she is trying to find.

  
“Seth’s a big boy, but he’s stubborn, too, so… If anything happens you’ll let me know right, Neil?” she asks.

  
“Yeah, of course,” Neil responds.

  
As they lapse into silence, Neil realizes that that felt like the biggest lie he has told in a long time, and he has told some _very_ big lies.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> “He lies and He lies and a little lie lie”  
> Andrew is singing a song by The Black Eyed Peas "Don't Lie" which came out in 2005. 
> 
> would you guys be interested in me putting my own fanart in here? I do draw (I'm an art major lol) and motivation always helps.  
> I was just wondering if people would be interested enough for me to figure out how to embed images and stuff. 
> 
> Sorry for the inconsistent updates, I have really bad grammar and two betas who both have lives so a lot of the time I want to post the chapter but it is still crazy unreadable haha.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry this took a so long. I had some complications with finding a new Beta and then I got stuck on this chapter. the 5th is coming up soon as a thank you for being so patient.

FROM: blackdeer114 @yahoo.com

TO: facetoface.citytocity @hotmail.com

DATE: Yesterday, at 9:56 PM 

SUBJECT: Halloween tomorrow

 

Abram,

I can bet all the candy I’ll buy this year you probably haven’t properly celebrated Halloween before. Believe it or not, I’ve had a few good ones myself. These days my cousin is all about looking at costumes he finds funny while dressed like cupid or something. 

I remember the last Halloween I dressed up for as a kid clearly. It was supposed to be a joke I guess. My then-foster father I was with thought it would be funny if he bought me a flapper girl dress. I was in fourth grade at the time. Evidently, It was not that funny to the foster mom. It was also the first time I was called faggot actually. I didn’t even know I was gay yet, but I learned it was a bad thing to be pretty quickly. That was the last house for a while that let me go out for trick-or-treating, but by the time I was with Cas I thought I was too old to be doing that. Soon Halloween was more of a “wearing masks and scaring the kids” and “getting drunk in the park and maybe destroying some public property” kind of event. This year I plan on simplicity. Too much effort for my plans of just going out and drinking to forget the company. 

Interesting that the one night a year everyone is dressed up as someone else you choose to be yourself. What? You won’t feel original enough? Or was it just too predictable to take the perfect opportunity to be someone else for an evening?

\- Ode

  
  


 

FROM: facetoface.citytocity @hotmail.com

TO: blackdeer114 @yahoo.com

DATE: Yesterday, at 9:56 PM 

SUBJECT: Re: Halloween tomorrow

 

Ode, 

Sorry to disappoint. I’m not opposed to dressing up, and you make a compelling case for it. I completely see the Irony of being someone else for the evening, trust me. As for your bet, it depends on what you consider “properly celebrating Halloween”. One time I found a bag of candy in one of my teacher's classrooms. There was never candy where I lived growing up and I was hungry, so I ate the whole thing. I ended up throwing up so hard I passed out in the school bathroom where many people were worried about me and I got in a lot of trouble for it. I never was super into candy before, but after that I didn’t like sweets too much, they always make me feel gross and sluggish anyway. So… I’ve never dressed up in an outfit, but several times I threw on a mask when I needed to. 

Anyway, I wasn’t planning on celebrating this year but I ended up making plans with a group. 

Enjoy your day off from being Ode, even if the costumes half-assed. 

  
  


 

FROM: blackdeer114 @yahoo.com

TO: facetoface.citytocity @hotmail.com

DATE: Today, at 8:25 AM 

SUBJECT: Re: Halloween tomorrow

 

Oh Abram, always such a tragedy aren't you?

  
  


 

FROM: facetoface.citytocity @hotmail.com

TO: blackdeer114 @yahoo.com

DATE: Today, at 8:26 PM 

SUBJECT: Re: Halloween tomorrow

 

Suck off, Ode. 

  
  


 

FROM: blackdeer114 @yahoo.com

TO: facetoface.citytocity @hotmail.com

DATE: Yesterday, at 8:56 PM 

SUBJECT: Halloween tomorrow

 

Oh? That’s quite forward for someone who doesn't swing Abram. 

  
  


 

FROM: facetoface.citytocity @hotmail.com

TO: blackdeer114 @yahoo.com

DATE: Today, at 9:04 PM 

SUBJECT: Re: Halloween tomorrow

 

What? No, I meant to type “Fuck”

  
  


 

FROM: blackdeer114 @yahoo.com

TO: facetoface.citytocity @hotmail.com

DATE: Yesterday, at 9:06 PM 

SUBJECT: Re: Halloween tomorrow

 

You are an idiot, Abram. 


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> sorry for the delay, I got some really bad news in my life but I'm gonna keep trying to update, I'm almost out of my last quarter of college this year so ill have more time during the summer.
> 
> andreil song for the update:  
> "you are a runner and I am my father's son" by wolf parade 
> 
> my AFTG side blog on Tumblr is i-did, I follow and like from strawberry-problems
> 
> feel free to message me for any questions or concerns

Neil was thinking back on the several conversations that led to his current situation. He wasn’t expecting to have plans this year besides the mandatory columbia trip with the monsters. Then Dan came up to him and asked if he could try as the “new guy” to attempt to take the hostility between the upperclassmen and the monsters down to a minimal level… starting out by having the whole team go to Eden’s Twilight. On Halloween. 

 

Neil wasn’t exactly friendly with the monsters, but compared to the others he was the best bet for a messenger besides Renee. In fact, Dan tried her luck with Renee first. Renee said no, but that she might have better luck if she asked Neil to do it instead. Neil had no idea why besides the fact that he seemed the least scared of Andrew, but only because Neil has met much bigger monsters before, Andrew was child's play. 

 

So that’s how Neil found himself on the roof of the fox tower following a trail of smoke and the sounds of manic laughter. Neil ran up the stairs of the fox tower, taking two at a time. He had never been up here but he had known this was where Andrew hid out for a while now. Neil hated roofs, he hated being high up with nowhere to go but down. The worst way to be cornered. 

 

The cooling night air was biting off sweat off his skin. He watched Andrew’s hands shake as he rode out the withdrawal symptoms of his last dose for the day. His back tense, but refusing to turn to see who had come to invade his space.

“The upperclassmen want everyone to come to Columbia this friday,” Neil said, absentmindedly pulling at the loose threads at the end of his long sleeves. He always ended up tearing little thumb holes in them, to prevent the off chance the sleeves will ride up while moving his arms. Andrew was pressing fingers to his stretched mouth, as if he was trying to squeeze out the drugs that caused his manic smile. 

“Oh Neil, and they sent you to convince me?” Andrew tutted. 

“I’m asking on their behalf, you can choose whatever you want. I will not force you to do anything,” Neil said. He stepped closer to the edge, but not nearly as close as Andrew, who had his legs lazily swinging off the edge, each swing looking tenser than the last. Finally, Andrew bought both his legs up off the edge and turned to face Neil.

They were silent for a moment, Andrews eyes burrowing into Neil’s skin to see how sincere his words were. Neil forced himself to not pick at his sleeves again and instead meet his eyes. Andrew seemed to not be able to find whatever he was looking for, or at least not what he wanted.

Andrew finally responded, “Is this you offering a deal?”

His smile has finally relaxed back into it’s unreadable neutral state. Neil realised this was his first time in a while talking to Andrew sober, he also noticed how faded Andrew looked, like a photo of a person tinted gray with his perpetual sick pallor and dull blond hair. 

Neil felt uncomfortably seen, as if Andrew was the first person to ever look twice at him and realize that Neil was more than what met the eye, “Depends on the deal.”

Andrew seemed to weigh the options, tilting back and forth his leaned back head as if swirling the thoughts and placing his bets. 

“Alright Josten, how about for one night for the whole team in Columbia, you have to come to Eden’s with us “monsters.” Just you. If the upperclassmen are too scared to come the deal remains.” 

Neil didn’t quite understand what Andrew could get from this, besides annoying Neil somewhere besides the court. 

“Will this deal include you playing nice?” Neil asked cautiously, thinking back on his “interrogation,” how it was the last time he went to Eden’s.

Andrews deadpan yet sarcastic response of “oh Neil, I’m always nice,” did not make him feel any better.

Neil agreed. 

  
  


It was convenient that Halloween was on a Friday this year. Especially because it’s the one time Neil has ever had plans. He still has his Exy game, but for Neil that just makes the night all the better even if he’ll be beaten and bruised by the time they show up to Columbia. All in all, it sort of amounts to a really nice day, where he feels himself relax a bit and maybe enjoy himself as Neil for once.

 

As he walked over to the monsters’ dorm, Neil found himself anxious that the whole team would be together for once. But he also felt something else, it was hard for Neil to tell and he wasn’t exactly well-versed in positive emotions. He never really had the opportunity to analyze his own emotions before, to really think if there even was a difference in non-lethal anxiety and the unfamiliarity of excitement. If he was even capable of excitement.

He just had to keep all potential violence at a minimum, with a focus on Seth, Kevin, and Nicky. If he kept the others in line, Andrew would follow, after all he seemed to not do anything unprovoked. 

 

Nicky was making grilled cheese sandwiches in a toaster oven while the others put on their costumes. Nicky was already wearing what looked like a space cadet outfit and Kevin was putting a long dark robe over his regular clothes. 

Neil had the unquellable urge to start something, “Hey Kevin, what are you supposed to be?”  Neil asked, not even lying for once. 

“I’m a dementor, obviously” Kevin at Neil like he was stupid. 

“What’s a dementor?” 

“You don’t know what a dementor is?” Kevin said, acting like it was some big deal.

“Uh. No, should I?” Neil wasn’t expecting to annoy Kevin this fast. To be honest Neil was kind of surprised how easy it could be sometimes.

“It’s from Harry Potter!”

“Oh, isn’t that a kids book or something?” Neil didn’t read often, he never had the time when he was always trying so hard not to die. “Whatever Neil, at least I  _ have  _ a costume. What are  _ you  _ supposed to be?” 

Neil looks down at his plain clothes, “A college student.” 

He suddenly realised that Kevin was right, he didn’t even have a costume ready. He didn’t know how he overlooked this, he just has never really needed one before and just totally forgot. 

Nicky waves the hand holding the spatula like a wand, “Now now Kevin, no need to get so upset, Neil is just messing with you. And  _ you _ ,” Nicky points his spatula at Neil to emphasize his point, “Andrew had a feeling you would have a bad costume, or in this case none. I mean, come on, with the way you dress? Anyway,”

Neil felt uncomfortable, like he always did when any of the foxes did something he didn’t ask for. Especially when it was his fault he forgot.

Nicky turned his attention back to the pan, “He asked me to grab a backup just in case. It’s over there on the counter, and don’t worry, it isn't slutty or anything fun like that.”

Kevin stared at Neil for a beat, nothing but the sounds of Nicky cooking between them. It was broken by the almost silent sound of Neil’s hesitant shuffling to where the stiff plastic bag laid on the counter, right where Nicky said it was. 

The fabric smelled cheap and chemical-ly, like it would melt if Neil put in too-hot water, much less tried to iron out the wrinkles. The label said “ZOMBIE COWBOY.” Huh, well… he wasn’t expecting that, that’s for sure. 

Neil picked it up, “I guess I’ll… go change.” and left the room. 

 

As Neil was about to open the bathroom door, Andrew walked out, the two of them nearly walking into one another. Andrew had little splashes of water in his hairline and on his striped shirt, he was probably splashing his pale face with cold water. 

Neil instinctively looked down, noticing Andrew was dressed as a cartoon prison inmate. Neil didn’t even notice the slight smirk that found its way on his face. When his eyes looked back to Andrew’s face, he was met with a single eyebrow that was slightly raised in a statement more than a question. Neil quickly realised he was blocking too much of the pathway for Andrew to be able to walk past without touching him. Neil quickly shuffled out of the way, “Sorry.”

As usual Andrew didn’t respond, just walked straight over to a plate full of grilled cheese. 

Neil quietly shut the door and began to put on the scratchy cowboy vest over his long sleeve shirt.

  
  


Neil hadn’t been to Columbia since the last time. He hadn’t been i nvited after last time and has been left relatively alone. He kept his head down and had been on the radar enough for Kevin to practice with him at night but bland enough to avoid Andrews assessing gaze. He seemed to have messed up somewhere along the way, as Neil noticed Andrew’s sharp gaze on him still occasionally, the trip to columbia no exception. Andrew continued to glare at Neil from the corner of his eye as if to prove how bad an idea the whole thing is. Starting with how having ten people along on a Friday night meant Andrew had to make an actual reservation at Sweetie's, no matter that they got there supposedly before the late-night rush. They were a small crowd of people crammed into cheap plastic booths, the kind that only seem charming at night, but in daylight looked tacky and unfortunately grimy. It helped that most of the foxes weren't exactly used to luxury and therefore didn’t care much. And as for the lack of space, Aaron and Andrew were pint-sized and Neil wasn’t much better himself. So, the Foxes all stacked themselves thigh-to-thigh into the booth, while looking over laminated sticky menus. 

From what Neil remembered, Andrew's lot usually settled for ice cream and cracker dust, but besides the quick snack of grilled cheese, most of them wanted more to avoid getting sick from the alcohol and the upperclassmen didn’t have much themselves. Dinner was also encouraged as an icebreaker considering the foxes never socialize as a whole, outside of team events and practices. An odd air of stiff unfamiliarity and discomfort was constantly ready to jump at every awkward silence, lest it be broken by violence.

Obviously, Kevin, Andrew, and Seth did nothing to make the night easier on anyone. However Aaron wasn’t exactly helping either, he purposely ignored everyone besides the monsters while radiating quiet anger from his spot between Nicky and Neil. Neil didn’t understand why, considering Aaron wasn’t typically hostile towards his teammates on the court, but outside those walls, he resented to be around any of them, even Matt and Renee, who were by far the nicest to everyone. 

Andrew’s last dose seemed to be starting to fizz out, but he still had his manic energy which he spent most of on his own group or Renee. He was marginally better behaved than his brother by acknowledging the others, but only responded with barely concealed insults or redirections to someone else at the table. 

Kevin was thankfully staying silent, rather than goading on an also irritated Seth, who was notably sitting away from Allison, which made it frankly surprising that he was here at all if it was not for Matt who desperately tried to keep peace between everyone on the upperclassmen’s side. 

His equivalent, Nicky, was trying the hardest out of all of the monsters, although he occasionally glanced at Seth with a worried look, as if waiting for a homophobic remark to fight against. Although Nicky hated fighting, he would not hesitate to stand up for himself. Nicky was desperate to make friends with the rest of the team, obviously suffocating inside the monsters cage. 

So Nicky played nice, and forced conversation harder than he ever had before. Luckily Renee, Dan, and Matt were happy to play along, but Allison threw out harsh remarks on just about anything, from where they were eating to how long the food took. She glared at all the monsters besides Nicky and completely ignored Seth as a whole. Neil stayed out of it as much as he could, curious to see how they would all interact, but would still speak when spoken too, after all, he did make a deal for this night to happen.

They are working on dessert when Andrew's high starts to fade, besides Andrew himself, Neil is the first to notice, followed by the rest of the team. Neil couldn't ignore the curious looks the upperclassmen sent Andrew's way if he tried. Andrew's withdrawal from his meds wasn't exactly a new thing, but most of them haven't ever seen it up close before; the slow crash unfolding before their eyes, and Andrew doing his best to pointedly ignore the stares and symptoms as a whole. 

Allison predicted earlier this week Andrew wouldn't last the night without his medicine, but Neil knew about Andrew's cracker dust habit. Andrew would always ease his withdrawal with alcohol and drugs, the only way he knew how to soften the blow of the come-down. Which only meant he was going to be harder and colder than the upperclassmen have ever seen him. 

Finally, Andrew acknowledged their supposedly secret attention with a sly grin and an elbow in Kevin's side. Kevin shifted in his seat enough to put his hand in his pocket. The rattle of pills against plastic was so soft Neil wouldn’t have noticed it if not for Andrew's reaction. The look Andrew was shooting Kevin's hand was so intense Neil felt his flight response begging him to lean away from it. Andrew dragged his stare back up to Kevin's face with obvious effort. The slow smile that curved his lips said he was pulling free of his drugged haze and was not at all amused by Kevin's silent offer. 

"Don't make me hurt you," Andrew said. "I don't want blood in my ice cream." 

Kevin only shrugged and pulled his hand free. Obviously a comment like that made everyone go silent. No one quite knew what they'd missed but everyone had clearly heard Andrew's threat. Nicky shot Kevin an accusatory look for making things awkward and distracted Matt by asking about a recent movie. 

Neil let the words go in one ear and out the other. He'd just remembered a question he'd been sitting on for months. Neil had noticed that Kevin often had Andrew’s meds, which didn't make sense because although Kevin was unhealthily attached to Andrew, Neil doubted Andrew would ever be so co-dependent himself. Neil weighed his chances of getting a real answer with so many people present, considered asking in German, and decided he didn't want Andrew's half-assed answer or unnecessary extra ears. Kevin sat between Andrew and Neil, so it was easy for Neil to get his attention. He nudged Kevin with his knee and asked in quiet French, "Why do you have his drugs?" 

"I hold onto them when he's adjusting his schedule," Kevin answered. "Game nights or nights like tonight when he wants to go into withdrawal, it's better if someone else keeps the bottle. If he has his pills he'll take them. He won't be able to help himself." 

Kevin wasn't speaking any louder than Neil had, but the foreign sounds got their teammates' attention. Neil feigned not to see the curious looks Matt and Dan sent him and went back to his snack. Kevin looked at Andrew again. Andrew missed it, as he was digging his phone out of his pocket. 

Nicky noticed Andrew's distraction and whined, "That's not Coach, is it? He shouldn’t be allowed to harass us, it’s Halloween." 

"Just Bee!" Andrew said. "Bee being stupid. Bee being, ha. Look." 

Andrew tossed Nicky his phone. Nicky took one look at the screen, laughed, and reached across Aaron to show Neil the phone. Neil didn't care what was on the phone screen, much less about the teams mandatory therapist, but he instantly looked at the image she'd sent. It was a grainy picture of Betsy Dobson wearing a bee costume. Nicky waited a beat for Neil's reaction, realized he wasn't going to get one, and passed Andrew's phone back via Neil and Kevin. Andrew typed out a response as soon as he had it back in hand. 

"She with Coach?" Dan asked. 

"Coach and Abby invited her over," Andrew said without looking up. 

"Why is she messaging you?" Neil asked. 

"Oh, she does that sometimes." 

He didn't sound bothered by it. Neil didn't understand. He knew Andrew had mandatory weekly sessions with her, but he assumed someone like Andrew would resent counseling. "Why do you let her?" 

"Not everyone dislikes her," Renee said mildly. 

Dan looked startled. "What do you have against Betsy?" 

"She's a psychiatrist," Neil said. "I distrust her on principle." 

"Give her a chance," Matt said. "She's good people." 

"She's pretty badass, you mean," Nicky chipped in. "I was really worried for her when we all went for our first meet-and-greet." He waggled his thumb between himself and Aaron. "Andrew goes through shrinks like he's trying to break a world record only he knows about. She's his eighth one at least." 

"Thirteenth," Andrew said. "She made sure to ask me if I was superstitious." 

"Some insane number," Nicky said. "But when Andrew waltzed out of her office at the end of his first session with her she was right on his heels and completely unfazed. Pretty impressive, right?" 

"No," Neil said. 

Nicky sighed. "Eat your ice cream, jerk." 

Neil fought the urge to roll his eyes and dug in. When they left Andrew brought a stack of napkins away from the table with him. Neil didn't have to ask why. He didn't know how many of Sweetie's servers sold cracker dust, but hiding the packs between extra napkins was an easy way to make deliveries. Andrew waited for Kevin to get in the passenger seat first, then dumped the stack of napkins in his lap for Kevin to sort on the drive to the club. By the time they got to Eden's Twilight Andrew's smile was gone for the night. 

Eden's Twilight was a two-story nightclub near the heart of Columbia. Nicky had worked there as a bartender when getting the twins through high school, and considering how Andrew was greeted by the workers, Neil had a feeling Andrew had helped out under the table. They'd left the city for school but came back as often as the season allowed. Nicky's friendship with the staff and Andrew's generous tips got them instant access and ridiculous discounts on drinks. 

The upperclassmen came in Allison's car. When Nicky pulled over at the curb out front of Eden's Twilight, Allison double-parked beside him to let her passengers out. Andrew collected VIP parking passes from the bouncer on duty. Kevin handed Allison hers and gave her quick directions to the parking garage in case she got separated from Nicky in traffic. She nodded her understanding and pulled away. 

The bouncer on duty looked a little confused by how many people Andrew had with him, but he waved them through without question. Andrew pushed open a second set of doors and led them into the club. 

The doors put them out on the dais, a curved section packed with tables and the main bar. Two short stairwells led a few feet down to a crowded dance floor. Halfway between the doors and bar were the stairs up to the second floor. Neil had yet to go up there, as the balcony was meant for private parties. Andrew could have easily gotten them access, but his preferred bartender, as well as Neil and Allison’s TA, Roland, always worked the downstairs bar. 

It took work to find a table through the crowd, and the one they found only had two stools left. Andrew shrugged it off as inconsequential, since chances were most of the Foxes would end up on the dance floor anyway. He left most of his teammates to guard the table and surprisingly dragged Neil through the crowd toward the bar for their first round. 

It took Roland a couple minutes to work his way to them. Anyone who showed up to the club in costume was rewarded with a free shot, so Andrew gestured over his shoulder toward their table. Roland peered through the crowd until he spotted them. His eyebrows went up when he saw four unfamiliar faces with Kevin and Aaron. 

"All grown up and making friends?" he asked. "Never thought I'd see the day." 

"I'll tip you double if you never say such stupid things again." 

Roland grinned, did another headcount, and began setting up a tray for them. He didn't ask what they wanted; he knew the cousins' tastes by now and could easily throw in a couple of the bar's more popular concoctions for the others. Roland knew Nicky was missing, but he didn't know to include something for Allison. Neil didn't say anything, figuring Allison could have his shot, except Roland didn't stop at eight drinks. He mixed close to twenty. 

"How many DDs?" Roland asked. 

"Just two," Andrew said. 

Roland added two cans of soda to the tray and slid it across the counter to Andrew. Neil led the way back through the crowd and made room for Andrew as he went. Andrew got the drinks to the table without spilling a drop. He passed one soda to Renee and left the other for Neil, but no one drank until Allison and Nicky caught up with them. Allison looked vaguely impressed by the amount of drinks Andrew had procured for them. 

It took the Foxes almost no time at all to empty the tray. Andrew cleared the mess away, and this time Renee followed him to help. Dan watched them go, then spoke up to be heard over the music. "You sure this is safe?" 

"Huh?" Nicky asked. 

"Letting Andrew be sober for a full night," Dan clarified. "Good idea, bad idea, won't live to regret it idea?" 

Nicky looked confused by her ignorance. "He's not sober; he never is. You've seen him go through withdrawal at games, yeah, and we," he jerked a thumb between the remaining three of Andrew's group, "sometimes get to put up with him like he is tonight, but Andrew hasn't been sober in years. He's always got something in his system to mess him up. Trust me, you'd know if he was clean. It's, uh…" 

Nicky looked at Aaron as he searched for the right word, but Aaron stared back and refused to help. Nicky was undeterred by his silence and settled for saying, "It's unmistakable. You'll see next summer whether you want to or not. He's off his program in May and should finish rehab by the time we start June practices."

"Finally," Kevin said, sounding annoyed. 

"Of course you're looking forward to this," Nicky said. "Curiosity killed the cat. Fox. Whatever. I'm just hoping the past couple years of drugs and intense counseling have mellowed him out some." 

"New team rule." Matt mimed banging a gavel on the table. "Never again put 'Andrew' and 'mellow' in the same—oh my god.”

"Does that still count as blasphemy?" Nicky asked, because Dan and Matt had come dressed as a pair of Greek gods. He turned to follow Matt's stare to a passing partygoer. 

“What is that? Over there making out with the sexy yoda?" The man had come dressed as a neon yellow oven mitt. 

“Who?” Neil asked instictly. 

Nicky's face contorted in incredulous dismay and he laughed hard enough he almost fell over. "Neil you don’t know…? Yeah forget it. Anyways, I think that one wins grand prize, kids. No one's outscoring that one on the crazy meter." 

He was probably right, but that didn't stop the Foxes from craning their necks and looking for any other weird costumes. They were in the middle of a couple harsh critiques when Andrew and Renee made it back. The arrival of more drinks slowed the conversation, but it was the packets of cracker dust Kevin produced that completely derailed it. 

Matt, Renee, and Neil abstained. Seth probably should have, but of course he didn’t and ignored Allison’s glare, she was taking it too after all. Andrew divvied up the rest, keeping the most for himself since his system could tolerate more than anyone else's. Dan took only one packet and dumped half of it into a drink near Allison's elbow. Nicky counted down from three and they knocked the dust back as a group. They raced each other through their third and fourth rounds before heading for the dance floor. Renee promised Allison she'd join them as soon as she finished her soda and stayed behind with Andrew, Neil, and Kevin. 

Andrew stacked the empty cups on his tray and left again. He didn't need help this time, since he was only getting enough drinks for himself and Kevin, but Neil wanted to follow after him anyway. Neil had to shove past two drunks in lopsided Carnival masks to reach the bar counter and he squeezed into the small space at Andrew's side. Andrew pushed his tray across the counter for Roland to retrieve when he had a minute and slanted a look at Neil. 

"Stop hiding. You chose this; deal with the consequences." 

"It's not that easy," Neil said. 

Explaining his discomfort wasn't any easier. Andrew assumed Neil could graduate from Palmetto as long as Neil played his cards right with Kevin and their extra practice, unaware of the real danger Neil was in and how fast it was closing in on him. Neil had no obligations to Andrew and vice versa, he refused the offered deal of amateur protection, and there was no way Neil was going to go back on that and mix more innocents up into this shit-show. Plans had changed, and Andrew had no idea how deep the shit Neil was stuck in, which made it harder to say why tonight was making him so unhappy. Finally he fell back on the half-truth he'd given Andrew that summer. 

"I've never been in a position where I could get to know people. I know I have to let them in if we're going to make it through the season, but it'd be easier if they were just names and faces. How have you stayed so disconnected for so long?" 

"They're not interesting enough to keep my attention." 

"Kevin is. So is your brother, apparently." Neil wasn't surprised when Andrew didn't acknowledge either accusation. He pressed on. "What about Renee?" 

"What about her?" 

"She's not interesting?" 

"She's useful." 

"That's it?" 

"You expected a different answer?" 

"Maybe," Neil said, and hesitated when Roland finally showed up. Roland stayed only long enough to get their tray before leaving again. Neil looked back at Andrew and wondered at the cool smile on Andrew's face. He was being mocked, but he wasn't quite sure why yet. "Most everyone is waiting for something to happen with you two. Even Nicky thinks it's inevitable. But Renee promised Allison nothing would come of it. Allison said as much to Seth. Why?" 

"Does it matter?" 

Neil gave an uncomfortable shrug. "Yes? No? It should be—it is—irrelevant, but…" He hesitated, but Andrew said nothing, unwilling to make this easy on him. Neil shouldn't be surprised by Andrew's attitude, but he was annoyed regardless. "I'm just trying to understand." 

"Sometimes you're interesting enough to keep around. Other times you're so astoundingly stupid I can barely stand the sight of you." 

Neil scowled at him. "Forget it. I'll ask Renee." 

"You'll have to stop avoiding her first." 

Neil didn't waste his time answering that. Roland returned their tray a couple minutes later and they headed back to the table. Renee's soda was finished, but she was keeping Kevin company until their return. As soon as Andrew sat, she looked to Neil. 

"Are you not coming?" 

"No," Neil said. 

She nodded and left to find the others. Andrew and Kevin had the chairs, so Neil stood between them in silence. He watched them drink a few more rounds, then went alone to the railing overlooking the dance floor. The metal bars were sticky with sweat or spilled liquor, but he folded his arms across them and looked out at the jumping mass below. 

It'd be hard to spot his teammates on a good day. With the lights flashing overhead and everyone in costumes it was impossible. That smear of red might be Renee's Red Riding Hood cloak and the silver that kept sparking like a sequin was probably Nicky's space cadet uniform, but there was no way to be sure. Allison of course had a full body yellow leather suit that she was probably dying in, while Seth just wore a torn shirt with fake blood. Neil had to trust that they were all there, safe and having fun… mostly. He was content to watch and imagine. 

Lonely, too, but there was nothing he could do about that.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> emailing and sweet classics.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> song of the chapter is "Sweet Danger" by Judy Garland.   
> let me know of any typos, I was too impatient to not post this ASAP because I've been gone so long.   
> also, it's short because it's an email chapter, ahhh. 
> 
> no content warnings come to mind, however, if you have a concern or something very specific, feel free to message me on Tumblr @i-did my aftg side blog, or my main @strawberry-problems and I will give you a personal detailed rundown np. safety first

FROM: blackdeer114@yahoo.com  
TO: facetoface.citytocity@hotmail.com  
DATE: 2 Days Ago, at 11:12 AM   
SUBJECT: Sex and Candy

Abram,   
So Halloween passed without anyone doing anything too stupid. Of course, I will be buying all of the half-priced candy at the store sometime this week, since I was drinking rather than looting last night.   
I also just realized that I have done basically the same thing for the past few 31sts, so I guess I have my first-holiday tradition. Look at me, no longer one of the tragic. Let’s see if you ever join me, sob-story.  
What are you anyway? A ghost? Well, in case you didn’t know, your clock is up and it’s officially November. Or as many seem to see it, pre-Christmas.   
I’ve never been a fan of winter “family” holidays like Thanksgiving, much less the cold weather I now suffer and didn’t grow up around.   
Plus there is the oncoming inconvenience of spirit week and how the sports games will interrupt my schedule. Call me a stereotype but I don’t give a fuck about sports.  
– Ode

 

FROM: facetoface.citytocity@hotmail.com  
TO: blackdeer114@yahoo.com  
DATE: 2 Days Ago, at 5:30 PM   
SUBJECT: Re: Sex and Candy

Uh, I feel weird asking but… sex and candy? Did you forget to bring up a certain Halloween encounter? Not that I know anything about, uh, sex.   
Was that weird to say?  
I could delete it but that, sort of feels like lying so I guess I'll leave it, I don’t really care to lie about my experiences, at least, about things like that. Anyways.  
Halloween was, tiring for the most part. Still not a big candy fan so I didn’t miss out despite not having any. Too bad there isn’t half-priced holiday fruit or something, the sweetest my taste goes is canned peaches.   
All in all my Halloween wasn’t bad, I won’t say too much about it but I did end up going with that group as I said earlier. I don’t think it was really my scene, but I don’t regret going.   
And congratulations on graduating from us nobodies.  
Which is closer to what I’ve always been instead of a ghost. But… I’m not sure if I'm such a nobody anymore either. I guess I don’t know what I am, anymore.   
I’m not into family holidays either, large crowds and people getting trampled on Black Friday. It was just me and my mom for what feels like most of my life but I still hated it even when it was just us. Not much to celebrate.  
And about spirit week, I don’t care for the annoying stuff, but Exy is cool. It’s fast paced enough to keep my attention, not sure if I’m surprised or not that it doesn’t keep yours. But you seem to say nothing does, so guess I’m glad I’m nothing.   
– Abram

 

FROM: blackdeer114@yahoo.com  
TO: facetoface.citytocity@hotmail.com  
DATE: 1 Day Ago, at 1:43 PM   
SUBJECT: Re: Sex and Candy

Sex and Candy is a song. It came out in 1997 but still plays on the radio, surprised you haven’t heard it with all the time you must have spent in cars and on roads.   
My Halloween could have been much more eventful than it was, but some people are idiots.  
“interested” in you? You happen to be less boring than staring at a blank screen. Congratulations.   
Too bad you’re so boring, you prefer “canned peaches” over Reese’s or Oreo’s like a normal human.   
Stop having an identity crisis, what are you, 55? Who cares what or who you are, the only person who can make you anything is you, so either start making something or don’t. Either way, there is no point in freaking out over it. You’re not the only no-face I know, you are not exactly special, and that’s a good thing. As long as you are honest in these emails, then you are real here, inside this screen, between us. Besides, reality doesn’t exist anyways.  
– Ode  
P.S. if you try to talk to me about Exy, I’ll strangle you through the screen. Don’t think I won’t.

 

FROM: facetoface.citytocity@hotmail.com  
TO: blackdeer114@yahoo.com  
DATE: Yesterday, at 4:37 AM   
SUBJECT: Re: Sex and Candy

Ode,  
I’ve heard so many songs so many times, but I never think of them as titles but only as tunes in the moments that I heard them. I was never one to know a band besides to blend in, but I bet I’ve heard more music than most my age. One time on a road trip, this one Judy Garland tape was stuck in the deck, and rather than turn it off, we just listened to it play lightly in the background. So I think Minnesota will always be “He's got a smile that makes the lilacs want to grow” in my mind.   
Also, being less boring than a blank screen? Coming from you, that sure is something, so watch me take that as the compliment it is. Thank you very much.  
On the subject of Oreo’s, like a normal person I have had them before. They’re always in almost every vending machine. But I guess I’m not totally normal because I believe the biscuit is the best part, it just is.  
Abram  
p.s. thank you. For saying that thing about identity. I think you probably are the only person I know who could say that just the way I needed to hear it. Sometimes, people don’t need unrelenting positivity, you know?  
p.p.s. Okay, okay, I won’t talk about Exy! not that I was planning on it. And it’s not even possible to strangle someone through a screen, but I guess you would find a way, wouldn’t you?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the album is "a garland touch"

**Author's Note:**

> the love triangle thing is between Seth, Renee, and Allison, Riko's motivation is to weaken the team as a whole, but in this one, Riko remembers Neil, but he isn't powerful enough to do anything but try to indirectly alert Neil's father. Also, Neil has limited contact with Stuart, but is still mostly on his own, all he knows is that his mothers family knows that he is alive and where he is.


End file.
